People so often seem to look at me as a strong person, a man of faith, of little doubt or a leader to be trusted.
It seems that I am a man of a certain charisma, possessing a persona that seems to offer confidence to others around me.
Right now though, I find myself plagued with doubt and I need to speak belief.
I need to speak belief over my life and over my mind.
I am only subject to an attack, just like any other believer.
An attack of the mind that tells me I am not good enough, that God doesn’t love me, that He is not a promise-keeper. All of these, I know are lies, but somehow the truth that I know in my knower seems to be trapped and not exuding through my heart, mind, soul and body.
Now this may be due to me having a bad night’s sleep followed by an injection of toxic stuff to control rheumatoid arthritis this morning, both combining to mess me up somewhat today. Maybe that is why I feel “out of step” with the Spirit.
I seem to remember hearing Jeff Lucas speak about times when he suffers the impact of a bad cold or jet lag and has just about learned to accept that there are days-many days- when one can just feel out of step and have to accept it as a physical thing, not a demonic attack and hold onto the truth which is unchanging.
It is NOT about feelings!!!
I do take a rather extreme cocktail of toxic and/or exotic prescription drugs to control or at least slow the progression of rheumatoid arthritis.
I have things stuck on my mind that I try to rest with Jesus but cannot quite let go of…hence the bad night.
Someone who is very dear to me (let’s call them A) is still very unhappy with a person we are close(ish) to (let’s ball them B) and who seems to demonstrate worryingly untrustworthy traits whilst acting in a senior position of trust. I have set myself in a place of deciding to set such things to one side as I am far from perfect and God is our judge. I know that He brings all things into the light that are committed in darkness and so, you may say naively, I have decided by will to set such things to one side and look for the good, for the common ground and to stand alongside B to love and encourage them.
Is this a selfish decision?
Is it foolish?
I have decided that if they are just manipulating me for their own agenda, then it is they that will be standing before God to account for this, just as I will be for my own actions. I also know that some of us will be judged more severely than others.
I had said to A that this person is changing and that we must love him and support him, but she is hurt and hurting and I am not sure where to go from here apart from pray.
Over the last two years, we have seen a lot of people hurt and still in the healing process as a result of mistakes and manipulation. We found ourselves in the unsought position of being sought out by the hurt and wounded and just want a break from it. We know someone else (lets call them C) who seems almost crushed by the burden of the wounded and do not want to get to the same place.
I think that A struggles to lay all this down and trust (as is my choice).
We can only be responsible for our own emotional response, can’t we?
Surely we must forgive and release or we wound ourselves, we don’t have to forget necessarily but we must forgive.
I have been given so many chances by my Father through the blood of Christ, how can I not make a decision to forgive?
Surely, if that means I get trampled on or beaten up by walking this path, then so be it…that’s my daily cross isn’t it?
The thing is, that this is my choice and I cannot impose my decision on A.
Also, maybe it is me that is the fool and that A is right…
I just hate the pain they are in, the anger which A manifests is driven by seeing recent and current examples of continued lies and acts of mistrust by B…
I think old habits can die hard.
What to do, what to do?
I think that I hear the scripture ringing around in my head from Matthew 18:15, which is a no brainer given the authority that person B has and how as a rule things never seem to go well (at least in the short term) for anyone who goes this route. In fact, having already done this once before we are in an interesting place even now…
What to do, what to do?
My bible tells me though, that I am right, my Matthew 18: 15 consideration is a blessed thought as any desire or drive to bring peace is surely blessed according to Jesus when He spoke that day long ago on a mount (Matthew 5:9).
It has been a hard day facing down a strange attack of the mind, working through old emotion that had been dealt with (or so I thought).
I am grateful for David’s honest Psalms that I can sing or speak out His own poetic prayers and personalise these charismatic confessions. I find myself asking my soul why it is downcast within me and begin to remember His great kindness.